#88 The Matrix: I know kung-fu.

1999. dir. The Wachowski Brothers, starring Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, Joe Pantoliano, Hugo Weaving.

Seen it before? Yes.


I've only seen this once before, back in college. One of the guys in the dorm had this amazing new device called a DVD player (A whole movie? On a CD? Get the fuck out of here) and this was the movie we watched. All of us were blown away by the amazing visual effects, which still hold up today. You know, like when Neo ducks backwards under the bullets, and you see the vapor trails? Or when Trinity jumps up in the air, pauses, the camera rotates 180 degrees, and then she kicks the guy in the face? It's all still awesome. Unfortunately, one thing that does not hold up is the script...

I hate to belabor a point that's been made a thousand times already, but it must be said: The machine's plan makes no sense. You're keeping the humans alive for what, heat, electricity? You have to feed them something (no, feeding them ground up dead people isn't enough) and you'll get a very low power yield, something like 1-2%. But OK, if you must have "bio electricity"... why not use chimps? Or pigs, or dogs, or cows? Less likely to form a resistance.

But OK, fine. I guess there would be no movie if they did that. So there's this complex computer simulation where everyone's mind is trapped. The machines use "agents" to keep people from trying to escape. The agents are bound by the same laws of physics as everyone else. WHY? Clearly these people have never designed a computer game. If you want an unbeatable AI, CHEAT! Give the agents super weapons with unlimited ammo! Make them fly, make them invisible, make them all-knowing, make them indestructible! Why not? It's a computer simulation, you can do anything you want.

Neo, we're told, is "The One". Like, the Chosen One. Ugh. I hate this narrative device. It was lame when Harry Potter used it, it was lame when Star Wars: Episode I used it, and it's lame here. He's chosen. By whom? How? Why? He has super powers because he's the One. He's the One because he has super powers. WTF???

Speaking of Star Wars, could they have ripped off Obi-Wan or Yoda any more blatantly with Morpheus's dialogue? I half expected him to say "Search out with your feelings, Luke."

Why does almost everyone on the Nebuchadnezzar have to go with when Neo visits the Oracle? Why was this so important? The Oracle gave him a bunch of vague meaningless bullshit advice. Couldn't they have done this over the phone?

This gives Cypher the chance to betray everybody. he kills everyone who isn't a main character. Then, even though he blew a huge hole in Tank's body, Tank gets up and kills him right before he can kill Neo or Trinity. How conveeeenient. Tank seemed fine after that, because I guess the movie needed him to work the computers during the final battle scene. It's like they forgot that he got shot at all.

Morpheus says: "No one can explain the Matrix to you." Uh, yeah, you can! Read the Wikipedia article on this movie, it explains the whole thing in like four sentences. Maybe if you told these people what they were getting into before making them swallow the red pill, you wouldn't have gotten betrayed. Just sayin'.

Position on the list: 25
The most disappointing movie-going experience ever: The Matrix Reloaded. can't believe I wasted 9 bucks on that...
Actually, wait, that's not true: Both Pirates of the Carribean sequels